Sunday, December 16, 2007

The Biggest Mistake: My Abortion

Abortion is like childbirth—without the baby. So says Charisse Marie, blogger at Radiant God, who posts her own poignant and exceptionally transparent experience, stating first that “what I have discovered in my Christian circles, is that those women who are strongly opposed to abortions all have one thing in common—They've had them.”

She then goes on to relate, insightfully, her own abortion story when a single mom of 18.


When people see radical Christian women who are unabashedly Pro Life, it seems that they are judged for being ignorant, stupid, living in "prehistoric times" or the "dark ages" and aren't respected for being knowledgeable about anything, particularly women's rights.

But you see, what I have discovered in my Christian circles, is that those women who are strongly opposed to abortions all have one thing in common-

They've had them.

You see, I can tell you what it feels like to live with the guilt of knowing that you murdered your baby. I can tell you that abortion is murder without throwing condemnation, guilt, and shame in your face- not because I am pro-life- but because I had an abortion.

I was a teen mother when I had an abortion and the one thing that I will never forget—is that abortion feels like childbirth. It isn't like a medical procedure where you are numbed, slip into a dreamy state, and wake up minus a problem that you fear will ruin your life.

You go through pains similar to contractions, you bleed for two weeks or more—your stomach cramps with pain—you may even get milk in your breasts because your body is expecting to nourish the baby that it can tell is no longer in your womb.

Abortion is like childbirth—without the baby.

I was 18, and had been pregnant at 15. By the time Larissa was born, I was 16 years old, can you believe that? The sweet sixteen that I had dreamed about since I was a little girl, shading with pink crayons in my Barbie coloring book, imagining who my "Ken" would be at my "sweet sixteen dance" was interrupted by maternity clothes and the reality of stretch marks and itchy skin.

Larissa was two and I was in hair school. I wanted to make a good life for her as a single mother. I didn't see how another baby would fit in—I didn't even think of the baby as a baby.

You see, on my weekends I had a little problem—it was leaving Larissa with my Aunt as a babysitter and going out binge drinking. Binge drinking comes with many side effects and consequences and for many young girls, pregnancy is one of them.

I was so drunk for those weekends; I don't know who the father was. I don't remember half of the instances—that's just great isn't it? Can you imagine being so drunk that you end up pregnant and have no idea what happened?

I am sure there are a few of you out there who know where I am coming from- maybe Britney Spears does, what do you think?

It wasn't that I wanted to have an abortion; it wasn't anything except that I just didn't want to be pregnant. I wonder if that makes sense. It was a horrible time and I couldn't deal with the reality that I was pregnant. I felt like I had done the worse thing in the world.

You see, if you read my testimony, you know that I don't know my father, have no clue who he is, and at this point in my life, since I am 39 years old, I don't think I ever will. The reality that I had just recreated that situation for a child was more than I could bear.

It was the biggest slap in the face. I actually began to block out of my mind the reality that I was pregnant. I remember taking a home pregnancy test, and it turned such a dark blue so fast—it was a cobalt blue.

I will always remember that color. I've had many pregnancy tests since then, but that is the only test I remember like that.

I went out one weekend, after learning I was pregnant. I woke up the next morning after binge drinking, then it dawned on me, "Aren't I pregnant?"

How could I have been so far gone? How could I forget that there was a growing life inside of me? Despite the origins, despite my sins, there was a child who was innocent, oblivious to it all, and I forgot. I got drunk—I didn't even remember.

My stomach began showing very fast. By the time I had the abortion I was 14 weeks and people were already commenting that I was pregnant.

I went to the doctor and they scheduled me an ultrasound, because they thought I was further along then I was.

While in the office, they turned the machine away from me. I asked to see it but they wouldn't let me. Then something strange happened, the technician began apologizing profusely as I could hear the baby's heartbeat loud and clear. Oh God forgive me. I heard my baby's heartbeat, and still pretended that I wasn't really pregnant—that it wasn't really a baby.

How could I be so confused and not confused at all? How could I want something to not exist so badly that I would lie to myself to convince myself something wasn't true when it was staring me in the face?

When I had the abortion, I thought the doctor looked surprised.

One of the guys that I had been "partying" with was the son of identical twins. It was very strange, but at that moment when the doctor was finishing the abortion, I knew that I was carrying twins.

I turned my head to the side and just stared at this cold white wall, I asked the doctor if it was a boy or girl and he wouldn't answer me. I guess maybe they aren't accustomed to those kinds of questions.

I know that I was carrying twins. I know that is why I had suffered really bad morning sickness, why the pregnancy test turned blue so quickly, why the heartbeat was "extra" loud, why I looked big so quickly, and what was so strange- was that during the abortion- I finally knew who the father was. Though there is no way for me to prove it, I know that it was twins.

How many other girls have had abortions and live with the guilt of killing one baby, when they have actually killed two, or even three?

As soon as the abortion was over, I knew I had made a mistake. I felt so numb. Several days later, I received a visitor- the "guy" that I was sure had been the father. I told him the truth—how I had been "partying" what had happened and that I had an abortion. He looked at me and said, "I would have married you."

I never forgot that.

Those babies would be twenty now. I know that they are with Jesus- I know that I am forgiven.

But if anyone wants to think that I am pro life because I am ignorant, live in the dark ages, or want to "impose my crazy religious beliefs" on someone else…

you had better think again.

I am Pro Life because I have experienced the true side of abortion first hand and the ironic thing—is that I just wanted the baby to go away—I just didn't want to be pregnant—I just wanted to wake up and find that I was dreaming and I wouldn't have to deal with this.

It didn't go away…

It never will…

And I have been dealing with the reality of that decision ever since.


So you've read the entirety of Charisse's account in her blogpost. Now read this stunning follow-up post which she made.

Irrespective of our sin and failures, God is God. He makes ways to rescue us and especially those who turn out to be the victims of our sins. If only we would trust Him always.

Being a Christian is really the only thing in life that makes sense.

Praise God!



At 5:32 AM, Blogger cyndi said...

I read your blog due to a college assignment. And how thankful I am for it. Although, I never had an abortion I am against it as well. Your testimony was very moving to me because of your courage. I too was a teen parent and I am now 34. My sixteen year old boy is a blessing as well as my other two boys. My comment to you is that we all make some kind of youthful mistakes. Glory to God for his mercy upon us. We grow and I think it is these things we call "growing pains". Our bad experiences God has turned around to teach others. And I just wanted to share my thought with you

At 1:46 PM, Blogger Charisse Marie said...

Thank you Cyndi,

I have come to accept the forgiveness and grace that is offered to me from Jesus- but I still have the deep loss that can never be replaced-
If only I had chosen adoption- God had a plan for adoption and if I had only waited one week, I would have been discussing adoption instead.
But women don't need "divine intervention" to discover that adoption is an option. There are so many ways to be involved with the adoption process today.

Adoption is the solution to Abortion!

At 6:19 PM, Blogger ELA said...

Thank you Cyndi and Charisse Marie for visiting the Vote Life, Canada! blog and for adding more interesting commentary.
God bless you both.

At 12:09 AM, Blogger The classy librarian said...

To Charisse,
Your posts are thoughtful and heart-wrenching. It's true we can never know the plans of God. I have 4 children, but am now a single mom. I can see God's hand in why I have 4 children and even in their tempermemts. In their birth order, in their talents and so forth. But, when your 18 and so vulnerable, you don't see these things. I didn't until my children began to grow up. (the youngest is now 10)
Abortion affects all of us - it is not a private decision. Years ago I was a sidewalk counsellor outside a clinic in Canada. I remember trying to help a 16 year old girl to decide against an abortion. She went into the clinic. I don't know if she actually had the abortion but I think alot about her. I grieve that I wasn't able to convince her, and that somehow I failed her in her most desperate hour. I grieve for her too, wondering if she is still suffering from that decision made years ago. Once after talking to a priest about this situation he told me to pray for her - that although the chances were slim that I could have prevented the abortion, maybe I was put there to witness and to remember so that she would have ONE person praying for her. I have never forgotten this. In this way, for me, it shows that abortion affects us all. God bless you Charisse (you have a lovely name)


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